Dear Dr. Lulzington,

OMG life is so not fair! Like, I just got engaged right? And my fiance bought me this rock that cost more than his car! That was so awesome! Then he tells me he wants a new car. How is that fair? I’m the one that should have all the attention! I’m the bride! Why isn’t he spending that money on me? Shouldn’t he like be spending all his time thinking about ways to please me? So like, I think I’ll just go get myself a new car too. That will show him, right? ZOMG!

—Dazed and Confused

—Dear Dazed and Confused,

Wait, what? You’re not even making sense, unless I’ve been sitting too close to the ether rag again and I think I’m reliving the following episode from South Park: (NSFW)

For those of Dr. L’s readers who cannot see the video at the moment because their bosses suck, this was the episode where all the girls in South Park wanted to become “stupid, spoiled whores”,  just like Paris Hilton a few years ago. Now, normally, Dr. Lulzington loves whores. However, Dr. L does not love your kind of whore. Your poor sucker of a fiancé spends, spends, spends on you, and you get upset when he wants to buy himself a much-needed metaphorical penis extender new toy?

The only thing you did right was to buy your own damn car, if not for the right reasons, which would be to support yourself. At this rate, you may find yourself suddenly having to do that all the time. Enclosed is a loaded pistol. Please tell your fiancé that Dr. L says, “Here, man. Put yourself out of your misery.”