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Help! My Parents Don’t Know That I’m A Godless Commie!

October 19, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am 18 years old and a senior in high school. I’m on the honor roll and the football team, and I never have been in any real trouble. My guidance counselor said that I could get into almost any college I wish to attend, and I have applied to several already.

My problem is that my parents feel that it is their decision which university I attend. They said that they will support me only if I attend their alma mater. It’s an excellent school, but it also happens to be a strictly religious school. This would be fine, except that I am secretly an atheist. My parents would certainly disown me if they knew this.

What should I do? I may be a BMOC in my high school, but I have no clue how to make it in the real world. My dad says so like every day. Should I just accept that I still have some growing up to do, and pretend to accept a savior who I do not believe in for the next four years? Or should I just level with them? Thanks for your help.

—Non-believer in Nevada

Dear Non-believer,

Ah, adolescence. There is no time in life like it. Just when you’re feeling like you have a handle on life, your teenage years come to throw you into a dark abyss whose existence you never thought possible. Good times.

What I would like you to do is to take your right hand, and place it about two to three feet to the right of the right side of your face. Then, I want to take that hand, and move it as fast as you can towards the right side of your face. Do this until you hear a loud clapping noise and feel a sharp sting on your right cheek.

Have you snapped out of it yet? Good. Now I can tell you what you need to hear. Someone hasn’t told your parents that being 18 means that you can do whatever the hell you want without their interference.

Let’s look at the worst case scenario. Say that you sit your parents down and tell them you reject their God and their values. Say that they decide to be a couple of cold bitches and kick you to the curb. You have zero skills to get a job that will pay enough for living expenses, and not a dime to your name.

Allow me to relate a story. You see, yours truly, Dr. Leonard Lulzington had the very same problem when he was your age. He wanted to be the best advice columnist ever, while his parents wanted him to work at the renaissance fair, just like all of the Lulzington men have for many past generations. Dr. Lulzington stood his ground, and found himself with the shirt on his back and no place to go.

He did have a gift, though. See, Dr. Lulzington had to do a lot of running, as his family would often chase him around the back yard, brandishing kitchen knives and screaming in tongues. All of that running gave him the finest, roundest little man booty that nature has ever created. And Dr. Lulzington hit the streets and worked that booty like no booty had ever been worked before. That fine, fine booty got Dr. Lulzington through college and then graduate school, and made him into what he is today. Sure, he has some minor incontinence, but everyone has their cross to bear. Mine just happens to come in the form of adult undergarments.

So what I’m saying is, no matter what anyone tells you, you have SOMETHING going for you. Since you play football, you may have the body to get you anywhere you want. Steal the uniform and take it with you. It might help (unless you wind up in gay porn, where they’ll likely provide the uniforms). And since you’re a young man writing into an advice column, you’re almost certainly gay, which will make your experience a lot more fun than it was for yours truly.

Remember, though – if you’re wrong, and there is a God, you will probably wind up in hell. However, you can take comfort in knowing that Dr. Lulzington will be there to greet you. He’ll be the one standing beside Satan.

Good luck out there.

One Comment
  1. I know all about the secrets my family still doesn’t know my secret. Good luck

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