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My Mother Is Obsessed With Adam Lambert!

October 19, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I need your help so badly. My mother, who is in her 50s, has spent the last eight months obsessing over singer Adam Lambert, and it’s ruining our family. It started innocently enough. At first, she would watch him on American Idol, and then keep me on the phone for an hour gushing over his performances. Then, she began spending outlandish amounts of money on homemade Adam merchandise on Ebay. She spent all summer following the American Idols tour, which set her back thousands. The last straw came when I was checking my email at her house, and came across some disturbing, pornographic stories about Adam that had been written by my mother and posted all over the Internet!

My father has just filed for divorce and left the country over this. I am grown and living on my own, but I have much younger siblings still living at home. I am about to give my mother an ultimatum – either drop this obsession, or I will fight for custody of my minor siblings. I’m worried about how this will affect the family, so any feedback from you would make me eternally grateful.

—Overglittered in Ohio

Dear Overglittered,

Dr. Lulzington certainly feels for you, as he is an American Idol fan who does not understand what all the fuss is over regarding relatively unattractive, mediocre, derivative karaoke singers. Your mother is part of a large group of what are known as “Glamberts” in some circles, and “Sparkle Cows” in others.

You are absolutely correct in believing that your mother is not all there. There is currently no known cure for the disease she has, and confronting her will only feed that sickness and make her an even scarier green-eyed monster than she already is. I say, if you want to take the kids out of there, just do it without giving a reason. Trust me, she’ll be too busy to notice.

Normally, Dr. Lulzington would advise against someone voluntarily taking in a bunch of screaming, doody-pantsed rugrats, but judging by your mother’s age, your sibs are probably in high school, right? Have they turned to drugs yet? Having them around the house means that you, too, would have access to all the lastest designer drugs. Dr. Lulzington is quite jealous. Go for it!

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From → Family

2 Comments
  1. Smartie permalink

    Euthanasia is all the rage, I hear.

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  1. Update: My Mother Is Obsessed With Adam Lambert! « Ask Dr. Lulzington

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