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My Drunk, Stoner Boyfriend Can’t Get It Up!

October 19, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I’m a 21-year-old student at a large university. My boyfriend, “Jason” and I have been together for two years. The problem is that over the years, he has been consuming alcohol and marijuana in increasingly large amounts. I find this especially annoying as I do not partake in these activities. His apartment smells of stale beer, vomit, and old bongwater. Plus, he is now pretty much sexually dysfunctional thanks to being constantly messed up on booze and weed. I think I should leave him. Should I?

—Unsatisfied At University

Dear Unsatisfied,

Yes, Dr. Lulzington sees a major problem, indeed. Why do you not partake in these fun activities, too? They’re great for helping you forget about your troubles.

Jason sounds like a wise man who can teach you a great deal about life. Take it from him and from Dr. Lulzington – sobriety is a complete waste of time. As for the limp noodle issue, haven’t you ever heard of Viagra? Damn. You can buy that stuff all over the Internets. Relax, girl, and enjoy your youth the way it was meant to be enjoyed – in a thick, smoky haze of mind-altering substances. You have someone with direct access to these things. For crissakes, take advantage!

Update: My Drunk, Stoner Boyfriend CAN get it up!

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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From → Health, Relationships, Sex

5 Comments
  1. Jeff permalink

    YES!!!!!!!

  2. Anonymous permalink

    Damm girl you haven’t packed your shit yet. Hit the road. You deserve to be happy with the amount and also the quality of the sex you get.

  3. Brooke permalink

    Ha ha ha, awesome.

  4. Tom permalink

    My advice would be to do BOTH of you a favor and end the relationship now. This way you avoid all the nonsense of getting married, you eventually realizing you cannot change him and then getting all mad when you realize that HE is living the life he dreams of and YOU have different dreams; Children, BIG house, DEBT, etc. Men LOVE being High and Drunk. We do NOT love; Children, Big Houses with Mortgages, etc.

    Women and Men ONLY get along for 30 minute periods of time, after that, it would be best for both parties to go their different ways…

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