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Should I Turn My Russian MySpace Girlfriend Into A Whore?

October 21, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I think I’m in love. This lovely Russian girl I met on MySpace is the most beautiful woman alive. Every time she emails me another photo of her nether regions I am in seventh heaven! Seeing even a little bit of her skin makes my dentures rattle! The reason why I am writing to you is because I want her to come here and meet me and my five children, but she says she needs money for the plane ticket and to bribe the Russian authorities to get out of Moscow. Do you think it’s unreasonable for me to ask her to do some prostitution on the side to raise the funds? I don’t think it’s that bad, considering she’s so far away from me. Of course, when she gets here, I’m hoping she likes continuing meeting new guys, because my friends like looking at her photos too. Want a copy? She’s got great tits!

Signed

Cletus in AL

Dear Cletus,

First of all, Dr. Lulzington wants to advise that you ABSOLUTELY MUST encourage her to whore herself out as much as possible. Remember, you’re her pimp – if she gets paid, YOU get paid!

There’s another reason, though, that especially applies to you. You see, back in 1991, there was this thing in the Soviet Union called a ‘coup d’etat’ attempt. Now, I know, you’re probably saying, “What’s a Coopdee Twat?”, so I shall explain. Basically, there were commies in Russia who thought that Russia was not commie enough and they tried to take over. It was an epic fail that caused the demise of the Communist Party made Russia stop being commie. So, your girlfriend doesn’t have to bribe anyone to leave the country. In other words, bitch is playing you for a sucka.

You don’t have to let her know that you know that, though. Instead, encourage her to whore herself for the money. Based on what she’s trying to do to you, she’s already a whore, so it shouldn’t be difficult to convince her.

Then, tell her you’ll be her pimp when she gets to America, and…no, I can’t do this. There is no Russian whore. It’s probably some guy behind a computer anywhere in the world scamming your country ass. And he just happens to have some good porn. He’s probably using the money he gets for ‘bribes’ to fly in his OWN Russian mail-order woman. Go get yourself a local with low self-esteem, turn HER out, and get paid that way. But keep in touch with your fake MySpace Russian whore too, so she he sends you more pics.

And, HELL YES, I want a copy! Next time, just take it as a given assume send it. You don’t have to ask. I ALWAYS want a copy!

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From → Relationships, Sex

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