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My Girlfriend’s Big Breasts Make Me Feel Insecure!

October 22, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am what you would call an “Average Joe”. I’m balding and overweight, and I work in a low-level factory position, but I like to think I’m a decent guy on the inside.

Recently, I have been blessed with the love of a wonderful woman, “Amy”. Amy is gorgeous, intelligent, and successful. Her breasts are two of the most perfect specimens you have ever seen. All of her previous boyfriends have been rich, handsome, and sophisticated. I can’t understand why she wants to be with me given her life and her dating history.

Basically, I am afraid that any minute she will come to her senses and dump me for a guy who is more her speed. What can I do to make her happy enough so that she won’t want to leave me?

—Insecure Average Joe In Iowa

Dear Insecure,

This is a simple situation with a simple answer: let Amy have her cake and eat it, too. I recall in a recent letter a man who wanted to turn out his supposed girlfriend. Dr. Lulzington feels that prostitution is the best answer for most relationship problems, including and especially yours. However, Amy sounds like quite a classy lady. You must have the dick of death for her to be sticking around, to be honest. Coming right out and suggesting prostitution will be a tricky issue for the two of you.

So let’s do it this way: if you suspect that Amy has the good life missing for her life, suggest that she continue to see these Grade-A men. Make sure they are the generous type, as in the type that like to lavish their dates with expensive gifts. Have Amy take these expensive gifts (preferably diamonds, gold, and fine furs) and bring them back home to you, where you sell them on eBay and make a fortune. Trust Dr. Lulzington. Be a good pimp and you won’t have any problem.

Remember what Dr. Lulzington always says: You’re the pimp and she’s the ho. When the ho gets paid, YOU get paid! Repeat that like a mantra until it’s deep inside your head where it’ll never get out.

Let me know what happens, and congratulations on that monster unit of yours! Send some pics!

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From → Relationships, Sex

4 Comments
  1. Smartie permalink

    Pix! Pix! Pix!

  2. NikkiM1976 permalink

    Don’t forget that whenever that bitch is out on the street, she needs to know that she’s making YOUR motherfuckin money!

    • Dude suck it up she wouldn’t be with you if she didn’t like you. Have some confidence in yourself! She picked you out of all the other guys! So smile and be happy

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