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My Obsession With Fame May Turn Me Into A Prison Bitch!

October 22, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am in a dilly of a pickle and I need your help. I cannot tell you who I am, but hopefully you have heard of me – and that’s my problem in a nutshell.

My dream in life is to become famous at all costs, but I think I may have made a major oopsie. I created a TV News Internet hoax story about a member of my family co-worker and I got caught in a whole mess of lies scapegoated.  Now I have been publicly humiliated, and on top of that, I am facing prison time.

What the hell happened? What can I do to fix this?

—Fame Whore In Fargo (See, I’m not Balloon Boy’s dad!)

Dear Fame Whore,

You are in luck, because Dr. Lulzington loves whores. You came to the right person.

What can I say? It looks like you are, to put it in scientific terms, “Up shit’s creek without a paddle.” What’s done is done, and what you must do is look forward to the future. From what Dr. Lulzington can see, that future is prison for you.

Luckily, Dr. Lulzington has a wealth of personal experience heard a lot of stories about prison. Here’s some advice about surviving the big house:

Dr. Lulzington is guessing that you’re a well-to-do, soft, sheltered kind of guy. You will be immediately targeted as a result. The best thing for you to do is to submit to your own weaknesses and immediately offer to become someone’s bitch. Please your man, and please him well – any way he wants – even if he fashions some crude make-up out of Kool-Aid packets and uses it to pretty you up – and in turn he will be good to you. It hurts at first, but it beats solitary.

*Sniff* Memories…now I’m getting all nostalgic…er…ah…for my friend’s stories. Yeah, that’s it.

Good luck, and remember not to clench up!


From → Crime

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