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A Very Special Ask Dr. Lulzington

October 23, 2009

Note: Dr. Lulzington has gotten a handful of letters in his first week, and he is so happy he could shit. However, one letter came in that has prompted him to post A Very Special Ask Dr. Lulzington. For those of you who are not familiar with 1980’s television, let Dr. Lulzington explain. You see, in those days, TV sitcoms that were geared towards tweens and teens would occasionally have an episode that dealt with a very serious subject, such as child abuse, death, or teen pregnancy. These episodes had parts which were funny, parts which were serious, and were generally sensitively (albeit not always realistically) handled, and both entertaining and educational. These shows would be advertised on TV as “This week, on a VERY SPECIAL [show name]”…

And that is how Dr. Lulzington cares to handle the following letter. Including the ‘not always realistic’ part. 🙂 So get ready for a Very Special Diff’rent Strokes Facts Of Life Mr. Belvedere Growing Pains Gimme A Break Alf Ask Dr. Lulzington.

Dear Dr. Lulzington,
Long time reader, first time sender.
I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man. He treats me well, and he’s even the father of some of my kids! I take care of the home, and I work full time, so he can relax and play video games.  Sometimes, I’ll admit, I get a little “naggy” and I ask for help around the house, and with all the kids. Then, he has to correct me.
He’s right, and I bring it on myself, but my “family” and my “friends” seem to have a huge problem with the way we live.  Well, I’ll have you know that our trailer is the nicest one in the park, and we only have ONE car on cinder blocks in the yard!
I am proud of my life, and my man, and need to know how I can get my family and friends to accept us for who we are, and leave us alone!  (otherwise, my eyes might just stay this shade of black and blue permanently)
Likes it rough~~~Alabama

Dear Likes It Rough,

This letter makes Dr. Lulzington a saaaaad panda. 😦 Dr. Lulzington may be a very offensive person to some, but he respects a woman’s right not to get beaten (unless it’s a consensual sex thing).

This is usually handled in two ways: the first, and the best way is to notify the authorities and slap that bastard with some assault and battery charges. Then, take whatever kids you might have, go to court, get custody, and get the hell out of Dodge. Call your local abuse hotline and they’ll help get you started.

The other way, the way practiced by many women, is to cope with the problem by telling themselves it’s their fault. This is a bullshit way to deal with it, but Dr. Lulzington understands. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of the ones you love.

Still, you deserve to live without fear of the man in your life smacking you up. Dr. Lulzington has come up with an idea for these women. You probably won’t be able to change your man, but you CAN train him like a dog! Let me explain…

Your man needs to realize that as a human being, you are able your smarts to inflict great physical pain and emotional humiliation on him just as well as he can use his fists on you. Make him afraid to cross you, and you no longer have a problem.

How are your fingernails? You should grow these to at least three inches past the tip of your finger. When they get to this length, take a file and file the sides at an angle until each side meets at an extremely sharp point. Now, you have ten little knives on the ends of your hands, and you can use them to slash up your husband’s face the next time he lays a hand on you. It’ll feel like his face is covered in paper cuts. Do this several times, and if he doesn’t back off, well, you’re going to have to go back to the first-and-best plan of calling that abuse hotline. Failing that, drop the kids off at Grandma’s and stay with Dr. Lulzington for a while. He’ll get your freak on, but he’ll never hit…unless you ask and it’s a kinky sex thing.

With that said, I’d like to close with an old question that has been asked through the millenia:

Hey, mother! Want another? 😉


From → Family, Relationships

One Comment
  1. NikkiM1976 permalink

    You are way cooler than that quack Dr. Phil

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