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How Do I Get My Wife To Stop Withholding Sex?

October 25, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

My wife, “Darlene” and I have been married for six years. We’ve been very happy up until recently, but she has imposed a new rule that has destroyed our sex life: she only wants to have sex on weekdays, between the hours of 7AM and 6PM – the exact hours we are both away at our respective jobs! We even tried to play hooky from work one day, but it turned out that she was sick for real, and nothing happened.

What should I do? I’m thinking of cheating, but that would break her heart. Help me, Dr. Lulzington!

—Frustrated in Frankfort

Dear Frustrated,

Uh…this is awkward, but is your wife around early to mid thirties, with red hair and brown eyes, about 5’3″ and 175lbs.? Dr. Lulzington is afraid to say that your wife is here, sans wedding ring, performing sexual acts which are probably illegal in most nonsecular nations…and “Darlene” just confirmed that it is indeed her.

Oops! If Dr. L. had realized that Darlene was married, he would have invited you along for the ride! Are you interested? There’s plenty more room in that trunk for more junk…but I guess you already know that, even if it has been a while. It’s still visiting hours for Darlene! Leave work early, because as the song says, three’s company, too!

UPDATE 12/12/09 – click here!

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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From → humor, Relationships, Sex

2 Comments
  1. Remind Darlene that in some religions this would merit taking on a second wife, that would oblige to your sexual needs, but remind her that you could cheat and that is what she is pushing you towards by not allowing you to be with the one you want to be with. Rejection like that is harsh, especially when she got the wedding, as that is usually for the woman and her family whereas, the honeymoon is man time. Tell her straight and tell her to her face, and do some random rough grabbing kissy crap, that women go for. I don’t know I’m bad at romance, I’m kind of a hopelessly clumsy romantic.

    ~FFh

  2. NikkiM1976 permalink

    :hugebluelaughingface

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