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My Friends Are A Bunch Of Fake Bitches!

October 26, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I’m in high school and my family just moved to a new state. I’m new in school, and it was going well until just recently. The popular girls were really nice to me at first, but then they invited me to this party where they beat and humiliated me, filmed it, and put it on YouTube. The school found out about it and the girls were suspended and had to take the video down, but the damage has already been done. Now every teenager in the county has seen this video and they tease me constantly wherever I go.

I have never felt this low in my life, not ever. I thought that you of all people could help me how to deal with pure evil. Thank you!

—Humiliated in Hawaii

Dear Humiliated,

This is a tough one for Dr. L, indeed. You see, since you’re not an adult yet, you’re too young to do most of the things that he advises people to do, so now Dr. L has to get creative.

By ‘get creative’, Dr. Lulzington means “steal a tank of nitrous” “buy one from an unscrupulous dentist friend of mine” “happened to get home to find a tank of nitrous in his living room and decided to loosen the valve all the way”. In the DVD player was a copy of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, which Dr. Lulzington turned on. As he started to feel the effects of the laughing gas, the Oompa-Loompas walked out of the TV set and began to sing Dr. L. a song:

Oompa-loompa doompity doo!
I’ve got another puzzle for you!
Oompa-loompa doompa dah dee!
If you are wise, you’ll listen to me!

What do you get when your friends are so bad?
You thought they liked you, but you have been had.
Getting revenge is a wonderful cure
You should give them regrets for sure
(Make them want to kill themselves)

Oompa-loompa doompity da
If you’re a badass, you will go far.
You will live in happiness, too
Like the Oompa-Loompas, doompity doo!

How does this apply to you, you ask? Here’s how. Get your parents out of the house for the weekend.  Spread a rumor that there’s a huge unsupervised party at your house that Saturday night. To entice them to come, tell them there will be alcohol and strippers. But by ‘alcohol and strippers’, you really mean ‘lots of severely tainted food’. Leave some oysters (which you bought at a huge discount at a very questionable market) out in the sun for a few hours before putting them back on ice. Let the dog lick the dip after he’s been picking through the garbage. Rub some Ritz crackers on the nearest roadkill, anything it takes.

When all of this begins to take effect, film these girls suffering from simultaneous, uncontrolled, projectile vomiting and diarrhea. We’re talking the kind where they’re praying to the porcelain gods while noisily soiling themselves. You’ll never see them in such compromising positions again, until they’re in college and trying to land themselves some square-jawed frat jock. Or, you will see them in those positions on demand, because you posted the videos on YouTube.

Yes, cleaning up will be a bitch, and you’ll probably have to hire a HazMat crew to help – but Dr. Lulzington promises you that your schoolmates will learn NEVER to mess with the master.

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8 Comments
  1. Darklighter permalink

    LMAO that is a kick ass revenge!!!

  2. Doctor,I wanna do it for my 50 years old collage elders,still not grown up enough,,,I don’t,I’m grown up and they cannot read English,much worse than me!
    (Great revenge for high school girl,especially,oysters.)

  3. Doctor Lulzington would like to remind everyone to read this: https://drlulzington.wordpress.com/disclaimer/

  4. Phat blogpost, great looking blog, added it to my favs.

  5. Seems like you are a real professional. Did you study about the theme? lawl

  6. Hey very nice blog!!….I’m an instant fan, I have bookmarked you and I’ll be checking back on a regular….See ya 🙂

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