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I Have A Small Penis!

October 28, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I’m a 28-year-old man with a major problem. To say that I have a small penis is an understatement. Other guys with small penises laugh at me. The last woman I hooked up with laughed for nearly 1/2 hour after she first saw my dime-sized manhood.

I’m guessing that you may know what I can do. There are a lot of options out there for penile enlargement, but I don’t know if they work. Do you?

—Not at all endowed in Evansville

Dear Not at all endowed,

Dr. Lulzington thinks that any product on the market that is made to go on / improve the penis for any reason is a treat that should be taken by every man. But since Dr. L uses them all obsessively, he cannot accurately tell you what your best option is.

Dr. Lulzington is sad for you, because he would rather that you were happy in your own skin (no pun intended) than try to change who you already are. Many women like ’em tiny.

How small are you? Small, like “Hey, are you a hermaphrodite” small? There’s a great niche market for that in porn. You could make some bucks!

Oh, and could you do Dr. Lulzington a small favor? Do you have any pics? Dr. L wants to photoshop your teeny weeny on to the pictures of naked ladies. It’s part of a very complex sickness that he has.

Good luck, and Dr. Lulzington thanks you.

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From → humor, Sex

11 Comments
  1. Poor guy would probably die if he were ever faced with Smartie’s mastodonic penis.

    Hang in there little buddy!
    BTW I love your blog!

  2. Details, anonymous. Dr. Lulzington is buying! *waves cash around*

  3. Dear Not all that well endowed,

    Please disregard any “improvements” at the edge of any doctor’s scalpel. My reason is that if you don’t learn to love you for you, then you will never find someone who will love it as it is. I fell in love with a man in college named Jeffrey T. and I swear if this man was nothing more than a split end’s size down there that I’d still love and want to be with, not to mention; I’d find a way to be with him on his level sexually. I’m absolutely in love with him in the for better or worse, etc. etc. scheme of thinking. I know this sounds difficult and doctors are the easiest fix, but the problem is what if someone messes your ability to feel sex down there as doctors aren’t without flaw and people make mistakes, then you end up with a penis that is bigger, but feels nothing?

    I’m sure you’ll be fine with it as it is, I think you may need to online date for a while and talk to women and see if they like you for you, first. Next, exchange photos and eventually meet. Ask them about sexual preferences online as it is easier not to show your face and talk over that stuff with someone you don’t know after meeting the first time, as this will also get you in the know if she answers that she is indeed interested in furthering things with you. Lastly, you start with online cyber-sex first as this helps filter the reaction, to she could have gone up to use the bathroom, battery to laptop died, etc. not necessarily that she’s a mean child and laughing, that she thinks you were born imperfect when she wasn’t elected to chair person to any board to have a relevant opinion anyway;if she goes away, she goes away.

    You also have to know that all women are built differently, down there as we all cycle differently growing. Certain, aspects of our collection of nerves are differently grouped down there and we “get off,” differently vaginally, but the same from the clitoris. Make up for you and others have deemed as short comings by reading about “eating a woman out,” and all the methods. Explore, all sexual positions possible by immersing yourself in reading, kama sutra, books on tantric sex, and new age sexual modernist crap. Visit your local sex shops and purchase a toy for her around that time that you can learn to use together if she sticks around as they are expensive. There are so many things that you can do, you live close enough to the South side of Chicago, go take a trip and look for yourself in advance before you get yourself a girl and one word of additional advice to you. KNOW, what is good and what isn’t by asking the women who work there what they own, (really own as they are sales people and will sell you any and everything)this will help you know for sure what to direct your woman towards.

    Best of luck,

    ~FFh

  4. PublicityWhore permalink

    Oh my

  5. NikkiM1976 permalink

    OMG that bitch thinks she’s really helping someone!

    I love it!!!

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