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My Girlfriend Likes Rough Sex!

October 29, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I know this isn’t necessarily the thing you’d consider a ‘problem’, but you’re the only advice columnist I know of who I’m not embarrassed to tell it to. You see, my girlfriend, “Bettie” (no, not Page, but yeah, that’s who I’m naming her after) and I have just started dating. She’s great, except for one thing: she likes her rough sex, and she likes her rough sex EXTRA rough.

And, she likes to be the one inflicting the pain.

For example, the first time we were together, she just went and punched me right in the nuts! Then, as I was doubled over in pain, she bit me as hard as she could on my ass! She laughed the whole time and seemed to get off on it. She said my tears make her quiver with erotic pleasure.

I really don’t think my nads can take it, Dr. Lulzington. Can I tell her to back off the rough sex and still find a way to work it out?


—Swollen Sack

Dear Swollen,

To put it bluntly: no.

Either Dr. Lulzington knows “Bettie”, or there are two women out there that do the exact same punching-biting thing. It hurts so good! Mmmmm… Unfortunately for you, though, the punching-biting thing is kind of a package deal with her. It’s not going to work out. If this is a different woman from the one I know, it’s still not going to work out. Sweet lovemaking would make her retch.

As you may know, Dr. L. loves hermaphrodites. Thus, he loves Lady GaGa. Allow me to pass on some words of wisdom from her: When it comes to love, if it ain’t rough it isn’t fun!

Rough sex rocks! If you want to have boring missionary sex, move to Utah and marry some woman there.

Send my regards to “Bettie”!


From → humor, Sex

  1. Leave Bettie and keep any chance you might have of one day having non-brain-damaged, carnal creatures-for children.

  2. great post as usual .. thanks .. you just gave me a few more ideas to play with

  3. Where is the rss-Feed link?

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