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She Stole My Man, Then She Did It Again!

October 30, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I’m so pissed off I could cut myself! This bitch, I’ll call her “Skankine”, she stole my man last year and we fought it out on Jerry Springer. Then we get back home, and last month they slept together AGAIN, so I kick him out, and I hook up with someone else, I’ll call him “Bastardo”. And wouldn’t you know, not two weeks and Skankine hooked up with Bastardo. She’s so nasty, Dr. L. She doesn’t wash much, her trailer’s all dirty and it’s got roaches and it’s just nasty.

How can I get her from stealing all my boyfriends? I never did nothing to her. Why is she such a whore?

—Pissed Off Pauline

Dear Pauline,

Subtle naming, there!

By Dr. Lulzington’s extensive experience, girls like Skankine will always pull tricks like that. The only thing you can do, as the Oompa-Loompas one sang to me through a soupy nitrous fog, is to get revenge.

What you need to do is find yourself a guy similar to Bastardo and the other guy. Only this guy will have a raging case of crabs, herpes, and gonorrhea. You don’t have to touch him with a ten-foot pole – just get him to pretend to be your man. Pay him if you have to. You could probably find him on Craigslist, the sewer system of the dating/personals world. (Dr. L would volunteer, but he just took care of the critters and the burn, and hasn’t had an outbreak in months, THANK YOU Valtrex!)

Why do this? Because when he eventually hooks up with Skankine, she will also have a raging case of crabs, herpes, and gonorrhea. In turn, she will pass those STDs on to Bastardo and the other guy you mentioned.

Then, you can all go on Jerry Springer again. He can call the episode “Ha, ha! I gave you herpes!”

Good luck, and you may want to relocate soon. I predict a major STD outbreak in your county, based on Skankine’s history.

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From → humor, Relationships, Sex

6 Comments
  1. Ha ha, indeed; and you call yourself a doctor because the paperwork deemed it so, or because your employer thought it sounded cool?

    See, I don’t agree with telling people to go out and get revenge by setting them up to get life long STDs preventing the other person at any future point of after having learned to go out there and have the same chance that Pauline does to have love in her life, without having to date out of the STDs pool of people. This isn’t fair to suggest to someone who clearly is already not working with a full deck.

    Okay, for my own entertainment’s purpose; Dr. Lulzington, at what point is it that you decide that this woman needs to get revenge on the other woman? I don’t know is it when, she mentioned Jerry Springer and the thought of her mentioning your name, as even bad publicity is good publicity, and what not? Or is it when you noticed that she is the one writing to you and not giving any other indication of there being another side to this story, to merit a response that would result in someone having to deal with a life long backlash, that could result in a lawsuit to you? I don’t know, maybe you should quit playing doctor, I think you kind of suck at it.

    By the way, a sure fire way to know if a person requires an answer such a the above, is when the person has put them in danger previously of the same thing and a red alert would call for it. Herpes is incurable, but containable as far as the outbreak. VIRUSES ARE INCURABLE.

    LOOK THAT ONE UP, DOCTOR.

  2. NikkiM1976 permalink

    Sounds like Skankine doesn’t want those herpes.

  3. PublicityWhore permalink

    In a word: Priceless!

  4. It was certainly interesting for me to read that post. Thank author for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I would like to read more on that blog soon.

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