I Lost My Sugar Mama!
Dear Dr. Lulzington,
I’m a 24-year-old man with a big problem. For the last few years, I’ve had a wonderful life with my 45-year-old girfriend, “Diane”. Diane is what you would call a “cougar”…a total MILF! She’s independently wealthy because of her divorce, so we’ve been living the good life in the lap of luxury.
Unfortunately, she caught me cheating with a woman close to my own age. She kicked me to the curb immediately and won’t return my calls. I’m staying with my parents now, but they don’t like my drug abuse and porn addictions and are threatening to kick me out. I’ve never worked and I’m a college dropout. There’s no jobs around here and I’m going to be homeless soon! Help!
—Shiftless In SC
Silly, silly young man. You are so oblivious to the obvious.
Dr. Lulzington sees all kinds of solutions here. The most obvious one is to find yourself a new sugar mama, stat! Have you ever seen Cougar Town? Yes. it’s horrible, even if Courteney Cox is in it, but it shows how easy it is for a man like you to get some sugar! For now, just put your porn addiction to use and keep a webcam on. Men Women Men will pay to watch you pleasure yourself.
Unless, of course, you’re ugly. Then you’re screwed. Then again, you could always put on a mask and a rubber suit and do kinky stuff. Send me some of your stuff if you do it.
P.S. What drugs are you doing? Got any extra? Do you have any bootleg Viagra, by any chance?