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Is My Girlfriend A Whore?

November 10, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I have been with my girlfriend, “Jenna” for over a year. We  moved in together a few months ago. Shortly afterward, she abruptly quit her job – yet she seems to have plies of cash on hand at all times. She’s been buying a lot of fetish clothing, but she rarely shows interest in actually wearing them for our sexual escapades…which have been dwindling rapidly. Often I come home to find her nude, but telling me she’s tired and doesn’t want to fool around.

She also talks on the phone a LOT, with some dude who seems to be scaring the crap out of her. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s secretly a prostitute! What do you think is going on?

—She’s Not A Whore In Walla Walla

Dear Not A Whore,

Dr. Lulzington would like for you to do this: stand up on one leg. Take the raised leg and extend it outwards as far as you can. Then, take that leg and move it backwards and then upwards, as far as you can, until your foot meets your buttocks.

There. Now you are in a state to listen to Dr. L’s advice. You’re right about one thing – you don’t know better! Your girlfriend is indeed a prostitute…and someone else is making the money that should be YOURS.

Dr. L would tell you to become Jenna’s pimp, but based on the fact that you are obviously weak and sheltered, her current pimp will probably kill you. Painfully. Kick Jenna to the curb and start over – and when the next one starts turning tricks, you better make sure that YOU are the pimp.

I seem to say it a lot, but when she gets paid, you get paid. Remember that the next time you hook up.

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From → humor, Relationships, Sex

2 Comments
  1. Darklighter permalink

    Good one, though I’m surprised the Doctor didn’t ask for Jenna’s phone number or invited her for private therapy… Maybe HE is her pimp?

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