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Is My Wife A Lesbian?

November 14, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am a 29-year-old man. My wife, “Lucy” and I have been married for five years, but we’ve been dating since middle school. We love and respect each other a great deal, but one thing is missing from our relationship – sex.

Lucy just doesn’t seem interested at all. We’re down to maybe twice a year now. At first I thought it was me, but I eventually became aware that the only time she really gets excited is when she catches me watching lesbian porn in the living room.

Lately she’s been talking a lot about her new, bisexual best friend, “Patty”. She’s also been talking a lot about bringing Patty into the bedroom. While a part of me is excited, most of me feels as if this might be the beginning of the end of our marriage? What do I do?

—Married To A Closet

Dear Married,

You are soon going to have to change that name to ‘divorced from a lesbian’, because Dr. Lulzington can tell you without a doubt that your wife is indeed one herself. Dr. Lulzington loves lesbians, as they make pornography so much fun! And he sees that you agree.

Sadly, though, you are about to be removed from the picture. So you may as well have fun while you still can! Invite Patty over, have your fun, videotape it and send it to Dr. L., and then start divorce proceedings. Then, you are free to find a woman who is buying what you’re selling. Everybody wins!

Good luck, and have a happy lesbian sandwich!

 

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From → humor, Relationships, Sex

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