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I Am Dreading Thanksgiving!

November 24, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

Thanksgiving is coming up fast, and I’m dreading it. This is because my extended family is coming to dinner at my house.

It is going to be the most dysfunctional event of all time. It always is. My parents will criticize every move I make. My teenagers will be sullen and rude. My extended family will come with their own variety of dysfunction, ranging from drunkenness to poor table manners.

Why do I do this every year? Tell me, Dr. Lulzington, how will I get through it?

—Dreading The Dysfunction In Delaware

—Dear Dreading,

You think THAT’S bad? You should come to a Lulzington Thanksgiving sometime. Several of Dr. L’s relatives have distended colons (long story, but let Dr. L assure you that it’s NOT genetic), and love to discuss it at the dinner table. Not to mention the violence just for kicks (no pun intended), wild animals stealing the food, and passersby looking into our front window, pointing and laughing at the spectacle before them.

Dr. Lulzington hasn’t been to a family gathering in over 25 years, but how he got through it was to take many a mind-numbing drug. Dr. L suggests downers – LOTS of them. That should make you forget about your family’s faults for the day. Enjoy – and Happy Thanksgiving!

DISCLAIMER

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From → Family, humor

8 Comments
  1. Ha ha ha! They made a television show about your family, Dr. Lulz….its called The Aristocrats!

  2. Anonymous permalink

    suggest that next thanksgiving dinner be held in another location?

  3. Ungrateful Brat permalink

    Hey Mom,
    Get the fuck off the internet, and start the turkey. Quit emailing your stupid problems to every advice columnist around. Advice seeking whore!
    Oh and make sure you get more beer. I can’t burp, fart, and puke without it.

  4. Anonymous permalink

    be thankful u have people at ur table i spend the holidays alone even though i have helped out alot of people the r all users i learnec]d i have no family here i would love to have people that were half way ok to come for dinner…. i am so alone i hate the holidays…..

    • Holidays are really just days that people make a big deal about. If they don’t do anything for you, then just tune it out and think of Thanksgiving and Xmas as really peaceful days where everything’s really quiet, with none of the stuff that Dr. L had to contend with. Take it from Dr. Lulzington.

      • Anonymous permalink

        Thanx for ur kind words… it is not that i don’t like the holidays i just truly am alone i have no family whatsoever here and i immigrated when i was only 17yrs old … i have very little insight about who my own family even are i forget… i just don’t have any close friends or rather i let them think i am ok or i have plans when i really don’t have anybody i live alone and i am young and feel like a 70yr old has more of a happy life than i do… The holidays are especially hard but somehow i find comfort at church when i am around people who have alot less than i do. .. I know i am blessed just not blessed with good people in my life………. thanx though i appreciate ur comforting words…

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