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Is My Boyfriend A Depraved Sex Pervert?

December 4, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington.

OMG! Dr. Lulzington, I cannot believe what I just saw. Let me start from the beginning.

I’m a 25-year-old woman, and I’ve been dating this guy for about four months, who I will call “Joey”. He’s great and he seemed normal, and recently we gave each other keys to our apartments. We were supposed to meet for a dinner date tonight, but I had to work late. I told him to go to my place and I’d meet him there.

When I got there, I walked in on Joey having sex with my giant Hello Kitty doll! I was like, WTF? He says he’s turned on by synthetic fur and can’t live without it.

I’m trying to understand, but I’m having trouble with it. Should I be concerned? Will he leave me for a stuffed animal?

—Wrong Kind Of Pussy

Dear Wrong Kind,

Wow. Talk about liking pussy!

Easy there! Dr. Luzlington isn’t concerned for you and Joey – he’s thrilled! What’s wrong with what Joey is doing? It’s not hurting anyone! Remember, Hello Kitty isn’t real!

Joey is what is known as a “furrie”. What that means for you is that your sex life just got more interesting! Be a part of his fantasy. Try dressing up as a Muppet. Maybe Animal, he’s really fluffy. Or Fozzie Bear. Or does it have to be a female stuffed animal? Maybe Miss Piggy in a fur coat? That should really get him going. Good luck and send a video! Dr. Lulzington loves furrie porn. Waka waka!

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Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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From → humor, Relationships, Sex

One Comment
  1. Got it, and yes a few of your answers veer in that worse direction. BUT man, do I wish I had a guy like this guy with the “furrie,” my current bunny fetish, with this man I met in college, or maybe addiction to him and his beautiful figure smile and just his life manifest in his motion. I want to experience all sexual perversions with him, except the ones that actually harm people who aren’t in the circle of our love making. Meaning: if you’re not us, then you don’t get hurt because that’s bad JU JU.

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