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My Gossipy Friend Told Everyone That I Have Herpes!

December 8, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I don’t want to say who I am, but we’ve met. I’ll give you a hint: I have herpes. (Don’t worry, I didn’t get it from you or vice versa)

That isn’t the problem, though. I’ve been living with herpes for a few years. I usually only disclose this with my sex partners, because who else needs to know, right? There’s a living-with-herpes dating site that I belong to which makes my sex and love life much less complicated.

But I have this gossipy friend, “Hilda”, who for whatever reason was on this site, and found my profile. And the bitch linked to it from her Facebook and Twitter accounts! Now everybody knows, and I am utterly humiliated.

I want revenge. Should I let one of my guy friends from the site seduce Hilda and give her herpes?

—Vindictive in Victorville

—Dear Vindictive,

First, Dr. Lulzington wants to say hi, random Internet friend! It sounds like you are on the right track in every way here…at first. Let Dr. L explain.

If you’re asking me to seduce Hilda for you, the answer is yes. But you should know something: not only has Dr. Lulzington been screwing “Hilda” for years, she’s the one who gave him herpes in the first place!

Not only that, but Dr. Lulzington is the one who told Hilda to link your profile to everybody in all the land. That’s what you get for stealing her boyfriend! Just because you didn’t mention it in your letter doesn’t make it not true!

That’s right. Dr. Lulzington knows all. And you, my friend, have been PWN3D!

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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From → Friends, humor, Sex

8 Comments
  1. Now how much do you all want to bet that Dr. Lulzington starts getting a bunch of spam for Valtrex?

  2. Dr. Lulz makes a much better ally than enemy! Remember this!

  3. Anonymous permalink

    Sorry, about this happening to you. This person does not sound like a friend at all. Maybe the 411 Hilda needed to be better than you it’s obvious that she might of been envyouse of you and now she has put herself over the top, Do not give this Demon the power of your well being Friend, as you said the only one you are reponsible to tell is your partner. I will Pray for your Gossipy friend and you should too. God All Mighty will Handle the pay back he does such a Great Job! That’s why he is the Judge not your Hilda Friend.
    Lord, I hand over to you this humiliation and embarrassment that is causing me grief in my spirit,mind and Being. Bless Hilda Lord and bring her to realize the void in her life that she fills with poison. Manifest to her Lord and give to her the Blessings she puts forth In Jesus Name, Amen

  4. SayNoToPaula permalink

    “I want revenge. Should I let one of my guy friends from the site seduce Hilda and give her herpes?”

    Sounds like a pan to me. And throw in vajaja STD for good measure. Gossipy bitch!

    • SayNoToPaula permalink

      plan

      SNTP needs an edit feature for comments. Plan… geesh

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