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Who Cares Who Tiger Woods Is Hooking Up With?

December 9, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am fed up with the whole media circus surrounding Tiger Woods sticking his dipstick in every blonde whore from here to the other end of the world. What’s worse is that my co-workers wont STFU about it for two seconds. Earlier today, I went off on them and ranted about how people should be paying attention to the REAL issues at hand, such as the tanking economy, war in the Middle East, drug cartel warfare in Mexico, etc. Their reaction was to laugh and to tell me to lighten up.

I don’t want to lighten up, Dr. Lulzington! What can I say in a language they’ll understand? And do you think the media will get out of Tiger Woods’ pants anytime soon?

—Hold That Tiger! (away from me)

Dear Hold That Tiger,

Wow! This is a doozy, but Dr. Lulzington believes he can spell it out for you.

First of all, this was simply time for the media to turn on Tiger Woods. It happens to everyone eventually (Dr. Lulzington is looking at YOU, Madonna!). Tiger Woods is arguably one of the best pro golfers who have ever lived. He seems nice and approachable, as well as humble. He gives countless funds and hours helping all kinds of good causes. He’s always been this good guy. So of course, he makes a mistake, and the press jump all over it like it’s candy. Celebrity candy. In a year or two, they’ll be all sweet on him again and kick off his ‘comeback’.

But what people don’t get is that despite all of his good qualities, he is a star. That means he gets to screw anybody who’s mutually willing. The normal rules cannot apply to really, really, really famous people. It’s the same rule that applies to all parts of the celebrity rainbow of actors, musicians, pro athletes, politicians, certain doctors (like yours truly ;)), etc.

Tiger’s mistake was marrying a poor, naïve woman who expected monogamy. Silly lady. You just cannot be married to a star (particularly the male ones) and expect him to resist the wall of temptation that lies before him every single waking hour of the day. He’s being tempted constantly. He’s only human, and he’s bound to take a dip in another pond from time to time. Finally, it becomes routine behavior and a dozen or so fame whores are screaming to the press that they’ve had him as Mrs. Woods re-sharpens her fingernails. And silly Tiger, too, for making promises he couldn’t keep. (BTW, Dr. L truly feels  Mrs. W’s pain, and would love to help her through it,  pro “bono”) 😛

Celebs just need to marry other sluts. Then they can borrow a page from the book of gays, bis, and hetero hippies, and have open marriages. Just stop being in denial and get over yourselves!

As for you, your co-workers aren’t going to listen to you anyway. It’s you against what appears to be a tight group dynamic. If the subject gets to you, Dr. Lulzington suggests drugs. Preferably those which dull the senses and makes you feel like you’re floating. Sooooooo gooooooood. Dr. L always self medicates before answering these letters. It’s OK – I’m a doctor! 😉


I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

  1. SayNoToPaula permalink

    I hear he is paying them off and that he is “good”. Tiger, call me at 201-555-1212.

    • chikkijaxun permalink

      saynotopaula…better step, he nailed me first. Tiger is the new welfare check.

  2. Mistress # 27 permalink

    Tiger’s banged every club whore, I mean hostess/waitress/promoter/pron star/hooker in the continental U.S., I should know, I’m number 27, and the numbers will certainly extend into the 5+ digits. Wilt Chamberlain, I think you are about to be surpassed in the lover of women department.

  3. chikkijaxun permalink

    He gotta change his name to Cheetah

  4. Smartie permalink

    I did NOT sleep with Tiger. Can I have some money anyway?

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