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Why Are Guys So Scared Of My Dildo?

December 18, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

Big women are beautiful too, you know. I wish more people realised this, because I have so much to give. I’ve been advertising in adult magazines looking for a partner who likes to dominate women because I really love being f—ed with a double ended dildo. A few guys have answered but chickened out when they saw my 3 foot long dildo. Is it because they’re insecure by the size of their penis? Don’t they realise that us BBW ladies need something more of appropriate to our size? Why can’t I find a man who will love all 350 pounds of me?

—Confused And Horny In NSW

Dear Confused And Horny,

Wow! Three feet! Luckily, Dr. Lulzington is secure enough in his masculinity not to be intimidated by this, but of course Dr. L has no sexual hang-ups, making him an exception.

However, even larger men are only less than a quarter of the size needed to fully accommodate your giant vulva. Seriously, it sounds like it is the size of a small studio apartment. This is what is scaring even the most dedicated chubby chasing men away.

However, Dr. L. loves freaks of nature. They are his life force. Are you woman enough to fly to the States and make a certain advice columnist the happiest man in the entire world? Dr. L is hoping the answer is yes, so that he can crawl inside that studio apartment of a vagina and set up permanent camp. Don’t worry – I’m a doctor! 😛

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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From → humor, Sex

3 Comments
  1. Snotty permalink

    3 feet…that’s not a dildo, that’s a tapeworm.

  2. Love it! haha

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