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But I Just Want To Watch Soaps All Day!

December 23, 2009

My family is from the Appalachians. We love each other really lots. My mommy has a 2 year old baby, who is almost as old as my second son. They have play dates together all the time. My first son’s poppy is in jail, he went in there for hitting some dude for mouthing off at him. I think that dude got mad that he got me pregnant when I was 17 but I was mature for my age! I’d been looking after my mommy’s other kids for years! She has lots of boyfriends. Mommy told me better get married, then I am set so I married this nice guy and popped out a kid for him too. So now I’m 22 and I have two kids. How many do you think I need before I get enough welfare money from the government to be able to stay at home and watch soaps all day long? My husband says I should work for a living but I don’t want to.

—Won’t Work In West Virginia

—Dear Won’t Work,

Didn’t Dr. Lulzington see you on the Jerry Springer show? You were the one with the dark roots and that halter and hot pants ensemble which accentuated your oh-so-sexy muffin top?  If you weren’t saddled with rug rats, Dr. Lulzington would tell you to leave your husband and become Dr. Lulzington’s ho. But since you are a mother who is at high risk of having another, Dr. Lulzington thinks you should make your husband get a job if you don’t want one. Think of the rug rats!

As for welfare, Dr. L has always been flush with cash, so he isn’t up on the social services benefits. However, if you qualify for health benefits, go down to the gyno and get yourself spayed before it’s too late. Why are you having children? Seriously!


I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.


From → Family, Finances, humor

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