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An Enema Kit Is NOT A Christmas Gift!

December 26, 2009

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I hope you’re having a good holiday, whatever you celebrate. My family celebrates Christmas, and it would have been perfect if it weren’t for my aunt. She has this habit of giving wildly inappropriate gifts.

For example – this year, I opened my present from my aunt on Christmas morning, and it was an enema kit! Thank goodness there aren’t any young kids in our family right now. My aunt said, “Oh, I was in Rite-Aid last week and I remember you once mentioned being constipated, so I thought this would help for next time!” I could have died from embarrassment!

Once, I tried discussing this with her. BIG mistake. She became insulted and started crying, and made a huge, awkward scene. Her birthday is in a few weeks, and I’m really not into getting her anything good. What will really get into her head and make her realize her behavior is totally uncalled for?

—An Enema Kit Is Not A Gift

Dear Enema Kit,

Are we related? Dr. Lulzington has relatives who do that.

Worry not, as Dr. L has the perfect recipe for your aunt. You mentioned her birthday is next month, and there are no youngsters in the family. Great! Here is what you do:

Buy her the largest battery-powered dildo you can find. When she opens her present, her jaw is likely to hit the floor in disbelief. When she begins to react, just say, “You know, I was at the sex shop and remembered that you need to get laid, good and hard. This should help. Happy Birthday, and thanks for that enema kit!”

If that doesn’t work, nothing will. Good luck and happy humiliation!

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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From → Family, humor

4 Comments
  1. Smartie permalink

    Regift the kit back to her! 😀

  2. NikkiM1976 permalink

    OMG this is the best letter ever!

    I say regift the Fleet kit AND give her the huge dildo. I vote for a double ender…one of those 2 ft long ones.

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