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I’m Faking My Pregnancy!

January 5, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I’m a 27-year-old woman in big trouble. You see, I’ve been dating this guy, “Danny” for four months, and I am three months pregnant with his child. That is the true story, except for two little things:

1) Danny is not the father.

2) There’s no fetus growing inside of me.

Other than that, totally on the mark.

Two months ago, Danny tried to break up with me, but my reaction was to tell him that I was pregnant. I don’t even know why. I didn’t think about it at all, it just came out. And I just kept continuing the lie because he got so excited when he learned he was going to be a dad. Now, everyone I’ve ever known thinks I’m going to give birth in six months. What am I going to do? My life will be ruined when I reveal the truth!

—Not Pregnant in Prescott

Dear Not Pregnant,

The truth hurts, doesn’t it? So why put yourself through that?

The options are:

1) Faking a miscarriage: This probably won’t work because miscarriages are sad. We are trying to avoid sad here.

2) Faking an abortion: Probably not cool since “Danny” wants to have this baby, and you still want to be with him.

3) Get fat and secretly adopt: What you’re going to have to do is get really fat, really fast. Then, you have six months to find a baby. I’d start calling adoption agencies immediately. Maybe you can find someone who’s hiding a REAL pregnancy. Just throwing some ideas around here. Of course, Danny will start asking questions when the baby grows up not looking like either of you.

Damn. You know what? Dr. L gives up. You’re fucked.

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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3 Comments
  1. girl from mars permalink

    Here’s what you do: Wait a couple months and when people notice you’re not showing and begin to question your pregnancy, throw a tantrum complete with threats of suicide. Then pack up your things and move away. Start the whole cycle again, possibly even fake a boyfriend next time, it’s easier.

  2. Hello Not Pregnant,
    I think in my opinion, you should tell him the truth and let him go. Lying will lead to more lie and more lie. Truth is bitter but you will have rest of mind and before you know it you will fall in love to a better person.

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