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My Boyfriend Is Into Old Crack Whores!

January 7, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

My boyfriend, “Jake” and I are both 21 and we’re in love. Or I WAS in love with him, but now I’m not so sure.

I went over to his apartment to surprise him with a quickie, to find that he was already engaging in some very sleazy sex with the nastiest looking old crack whore I’ve ever seen. She looked like she was at least 40, with big bags under her eyes and long, sagging breasts which seemed to stare at her feet. Most of her teeth were missing, and the ones that remain were yellow and jagged. She seemed to have some sort of oozy rash all over her body, too. I was really confused, because I am young and hot with a gorgeous face and a perfect body. I’m also a freak in the sack so I don’t understand what got into him.

After I vomited on my shoes several times, Jake told me that he has a thing for old skanks, and then they invited me to join them in a threesome! EWWWWWW! I may be a freak, but bisexual three ways with some saggy, diseased old whore are not my idea of a good time. A hot chick, maybe, but not Madame Leatherface. Can I save my relationship from this problem?

—A Crack Whore Is A Wack Whore

—Dear A Crack Whore Is A Wack Whore,

Of course you can save your relationship! Dr. Lulzington says that if you’re offered to join in on a hot, nasty threesome, for crap’s sake, DO IT!

Dr. L does not understand why you turned down this golden opportunity, but that’s OK. Dr. L is not here to judge – he’s here to heal. And by ‘heal’, Dr. L means ‘tell you to go back and have that threesome – and make sure to film it and send it to Dr. Lulzington as a thank you’. By the way…thank you for being so descriptive when discussing the crack whore. 😉 😛

You’re welcome. Happy sexual slumming!


I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.


From → humor, Relationships, Sex

  1. Errbody knows that crack whores give the best oral. Their rotted teef feel so good and they are willing to go above n beyond for a rock! Da doc speaks da truff again!

  2. girl from mars permalink

    It would seem the solution to all your problems is crack. If you’re high on crack, the old crack whore will look like Megan Fox to you, so the threesome will be ON. Further down the line, when crack takes its toll on your gorgeous face and perfect body, you’ll turn your boyfriend on even more! Get yourself down to the corner and pick you up some crack, girl!

  3. NikkiM1976 permalink

    Best.Dr Lulz.Ever.

    so grossed out by the crack whore description. Nice work.

  4. Dr. Lulzington thanks you all! 🙂

  5. LARRY permalink


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