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Update: I’m A 32-Year-Old Virgin!

January 8, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I wrote to you a couple of months ago because I was 32 years old and still a virgin, and I needed to get laid like nobody’s business. You offered to relieve me of my virginity, but I have no idea where you live!

Also, that guy in Hawaii sounds cool but I’d really like to try getting some in my own home town.

So now I’m 33 years old. And still a virgin. Why haven’t you told me where you are? Are you near here? Do you travel here? Come on already!

—Still An Aging Virgin In Virginia

Dear Still An Aging Virgin,

Dr. Lulzington will be in Virginia…all in good time, dear. All in good time. You see, Dr. Lulzington travels around the country sampling genitalia from all across the land. This way, he gets free room and board, and keeps a low profile. 😉 Since he pretty much offers to have sex with any and all of his readers, you happen to be waiting in a long, long line. If you need it now, post something on Craigslist, the sewer system of the online dating world. Or just get a whore. You’ll love whores. Dr. Lulzington does!


I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.


From → Sex, Updates

  1. Do not lay this THING. I guarantee that this walrus faced behemoth will leave you in tears DR Lulzington.

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