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Guys Cheat On Me Because I Don’t Put Out!

January 11, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am a 20-year-old woman who is saving herself for marriage. I know I’m the last of a dying breed, and it’s been keeping me from keeping a boyfriend. Inevitably, he wants sex, and if he can’t get it from me, he’ll get it from someone else. This has happened four times since I started college a year and a half ago!

What can I do to keep a boyfriend? Please don’t say I should have sex, because I will not exercise that as an option.

—Do Not Open Until Wedding Night

—Dear Do Not Open,

Darn it, you eliminated Dr. L’s #1 answer to almost everything!

However, Dr. Lulzington is not here to judge. If you wish to neglect your vag for the time being, then so be it. Dr. L has other solutions for you.

Have you tried dating a gay man? You can guarantee that he will NEVER want to have sex with you (but he may be into cuddling)! Do you live near Los Angeles? Are you attractive in that Hollywood sort of way? Maybe you can be a beard for one of the many closeted up-and-coming young actors around there. Of course, he will cheat on you with men, but since he’ll never touch you anyway it shouldn’t be an issue.

The other solution here is to simply become a marriage addict. Move to Vegas and marry all kinds of random guys. This way you can lose your big V without compromising your virtues, and you can also have lots of fun! When you’re done, just have the marriage annulled. If you can’t do that and divorce is the only option, then at least you’ll be collecting lots of alimony. You both get laid and then you get paid. It’s win/win!

Why not combine the two options? For example maybe you can just marry the gay guy and then have sex with whoever you want. Your husband won’t care because he’ll be screwing lots of guys, too. And again, you waited to get married, so technically there’s no real compromise.

See? Every problem has a solution or three. Have fun out there!

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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From → humor, Relationships, Sex

5 Comments
  1. bl1y permalink

    Awesome.

  2. I like where Dr.Lulzington is going with this
    Though I have met a man who ALSO is saving himself for marriage, and he seems pretty fucking delusional. So good luck finding a quality man who will wait-to-fuck, especially @ 20!

  3. LARRY permalink

    –SWEETHEART…YOU NEED TO GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND SUCK THAT FAT HARD COCK LIKE AN ANIMAL!! MAKE SURE YOU SWALLOW EVERY DROP OF THAT MAN JUICE!! THAT’S A GOOD GIRL!!

  4. I am another of the dying breed.

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