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This Whore Keeps Stealing My Boyfriends!

January 13, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do anymore. This woman in our neighborhood, “Emma”, wants to be me or something. Every time I meet a guy who I can connect with, this bitch moves in and takes him from me! This has happened three times last year. I just met a new guy and I’ve been keeping him a secret so that Emma doesn’t go all Single White Female on my ass again. How do I get this filthy yeast slut off my back?

—Get Your Own Damn Man

—Dear Get Your Own Damn Man,

Dr. Lulzington isn’t sure which side he should take – yours or Emma’s. You see, Dr. L loves filthy sluts. It’s hard for him not to take Emma’s side.

Perhaps you should explore why men like Emma more than they like you. It’s probably because she puts out sooner. Is Dr. Lulzington correct? If so, maybe you just need to be easier than Emma. Unless Emma is SO easy that you couldn’t possibly top her, no matter what you did or how soon you did it. If that’s the case, try revenge.

As I told a previous reader, “Pissed Off Pauline”, pretend to date a wonderful, handsome man who just happens to be a walking petri dish for various STDs. He will give Emma the gift that keeps on giving!

Have fun out there, and own that filthy yeast slut. Oh, can you tell her that Dr. L is interested? Thanks! 😛

Disclaimer

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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One Comment
  1. Nikki permalink

    Filthy Yeast Slut FTW!

    That’s the second best line I have heard today…with the first being “2 cunts and a crazy”

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