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I’m A Sex Change Addict!

February 1, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am a woman…or a man. I’m not sure anymore. I have had four sex changes in the last ten years. I’m either FTMTFTMTF or MTFTMTFTM. I can’t remember. All I know is that I am addicted to the transition, and I want to undergo a fifth sex change. I just don’t know what gender I want to be, or can be. My parts are pretty much unrecognizable as human now. No doctor that I consult with will treat me. What do I do? Am I crazy?

—Time To (Sex) Change

Dear Time To (Sex) Change,

Who is to say what is crazy and what is not crazy? For example, until 1972, homosexuality was classified as a mental illness. We know much better now. Dr. Lulzington believes that the same goes for gender identity. Sure, most people only transition once, but it takes an amazingly brave soul to transition every 2 1/2 years as you apparently do.

Take the Brady Kids’ classic song from 1971, “Time To Change”:

One could change the lyrics to apply to you. For example:

Every girl’s a man inside
A boy’s a woman, too
And if you want to reach your destiny
Here’s what you’ve got to do:
When it’s time to sex change
It’s time to rearrange
Your old parts into what they’re gonna be.
Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na!
Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na!

As for doctors, try the fictional McNamara/Troy in Beverly Hills. They may not be able to help you, but Dr. Troy did a MTFTM once. Plus, he’s a hot sex addict and may give you the time of your life regardless of whether you have more surgery.

So you go ahead and sha na na na na na na na na, Time To (Sex) Change. Sha na na na na.

And send pictures! 😛

DISCLAIMER

I am a humorist, not a doctor (though I do impersonate one in this column). I’m not even a peer counselor. This is simply my concept of what an advice column would look like if it was run by a morally bankrupt quack psychologist. Any advice given on this site is to be taken at your own risk, or better yet, not taken at all. I am not responsible if you are crazy enough to think that Dr. Lulzington can solve your problems. He will probably make them far, far worse.

You may have fun imagining what would happen, though.

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