I Can’t Stop Old Ladies From Touching My Gay Penis!
Dear Dr, Lulzington,
I have a problem with women trying to touch me. I’m a hot fierce proud gay male supah-stah glittery alien and when I’m on stage old ladies try to feel up my junk. I was so into the song and high on life I didn’t realize at first that they were petting Mr Happy and tugging on my nutsack. How do I get them to knock it off, but keep spending outrageous amounts of moolah on all my crapola like CDs, concert tickets and t-shirts?
Lad Ga-Ga Wannabe
Dear Lad Ga-Ga,
Dr. Lulzington has two words for you:
Dr. Lulzington happens to be an expert at this sort of thing. He gets tons of letters from people obsessed with people just like you. Lemme guess: you became famous from a reality show? That’s what usually attracts the old ladies. Are you going to be able to stop them? No. Never. Not in a million years. Well, maybe five years, as they’ll all have died off from old age, obesity, or both. But then you’ll be left with nobody to spend money on you.
Your best bet is to stick it out and capitalize on yourself as much as possible in the meantime. Have you considered prostitution? I’m sure there are women out there who would gladly pay top dollar just to have you show it to them.
This is normally the point where Dr. Lulzington offers to pay for his readers’ services/naked pics/naked videos. However, if you are who Dr. L. thinks you are, then Dr. L is going to pass on it. Dr L. will pay you to NOT send your pics or videos.
Good luck. Let Dr. L know when your career dies so that he can attend the funeral.