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WTF? The Saga Of The Haunted Toilet

February 25, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

We’re having a serious problem with our new toilet. Any time we flush it the toilet moans like it’s alive. At first we thought that the plumber had installed the thing wrong but after I figured out it was made in Mexico I figured it must contain trapped spirits or something. They have the evil spirits of the Aztecs, Mayans, Toltecs and Zapotecs.

It sounds just like a human moan, if that human had been dammed for all eternity to be pissed upon and flushed. On the inside of the lid the date shows that this hellish piece of porcelain was made on Dia de Los Muertos, the Day of the Dead. I believe there are embedded spirits in the bowl or tank. And it’s not just the moaning that makes me think this. It moans every time someone uses the toilet but moans the worst when some one goes after eating Taco Bell food. Then you hear the moaning and screaming of many different tortured souls. Sometimes even the paper will not go down.

I tried to get a Catholic priest in here to exorcise the demons out but he just laughed at me before handing me a vial of Holy Water to bless the toilet with. That didn’t do any good, the water just mingled with the toilet water and the thing kept moaning. In fact, the moaning got worse.

So we brought snake handling minister to take that spirit out. He laid hands on the tank lid and prayed all night. Nothing. He said it was one stubborn demon, we must have done something awful to be so cursed. He said he might be able to get all his prayer warriors out here and do a group exorcism but it was going to cost a couple of thousand bucks for transportation and expenses. I don’t have that kind of money, if I did I would have bought a better toilet in the first place.

What do I do next?
Still Holding It Or Peeing In The Bushes

Dear Still Holding It,

WTF?

Seriously, WTF? Did Dr. Lulzington do too much nitrous this morning? Of course not. There’s no such thing as too much in Dr. L’s book!

You are in luck, though. It turns out that Dr. L happens to be in Mexico right now, on the run from the law on the run from the drug cartels taking in the wonderful sights, rich culture, and kind, hospitable people. He went to a local toilet manufacturing place, the biggest in Mexico. He managed to find a supervisor there who spoke English. The conversation went as so:

“Excuse me, sir, I was wondering if you ever had any complaints about your toilets being haunted?”

“Haunted?”

“Yes, haunted. Has anyone ever claimed that?”

“You mean by ghosts?”

“Yes, ghosts. Aztec ghosts. Someone I know in the States claims that there are aztec ghosts in her toilet.”

“Dude, is she on drugs or something?”

“I hope so.”

Then, he advised me of a hotel in the area that uses the same toilets, so I went there to spend the night. Now, Dr. L hasn’t gone to the bathroom in months (combination of drugs and little food), but a glass of the tap water changed all of that. Dr. L may have been high as a kite, but no spirits.

So, in conclusion, your toilet is fine. It’s just the drugs. It seems like you have some to share. How far are you from Mexicali? Dr. Lulzington would gladly pay bus fare.

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From → Health, humor

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