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How Do I Get This Druggie Deadbeat Out Of My House?

February 26, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

You seem to know a lot about drugs, so maybe you can help me. My girlfriend of three years recently moved into the house. I think it’s been about six months. She has a 19-year-old son, “Ben”, who moved in as well. I didn’t know him very well before this, and I am regretting that.

The reason why is that he has turned his room into some personal drug and sex den. All he does all day is sit in his room and smoke meth with his friends and have orgies all day and night. My girlfriend is in denial about that and gives him all the money he wants. He doesn’t attend school, nor does he work. I’m pretty sure his friends are stealing from us, too.

I’m ready to kick his shiftless ass to the curb, along with his idiot mother. Is there anything I can do to save this situation from disaster?

—No More Meth

—Dear No More Meth,

Yes, you absolutely can.

Look. You have a great setup that fell right into your lap. Your home, through no effort of your own, has become a vortex of debauchery. Why on earth would you want to get rid of that? Sure, all of your teeth will eventually fall out, you’ll fry your brain, and you’ll age prematurely, but it will all be worth it. Quit stressing and get to mething!

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