Where the F&(% Are My Ten Dollars, B!%(#?

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am a ho. Like the kind that has sex with people for money. It’s all good except for when some muthafu(%@ don’t pay me my fee that was agreed upon for my ho services.

Now, I am a classy kind of ho that charges at least thirty dollars for ho services because I am not on the crack like some of the nasty hos that walk these streets. I have fewer diseases than the average ho and that costs more. Now some cheap ass trick gave me some money and left real fast before I could count it up, and this bitch shorts me by ten dollars! WTF?

Back when I worked in [location deleted] I had a pimp but he tried to beat my ass so I got out of there because as I said, I am a classy kind of ho. But I want to find this trick and beat his ass and he’s gonna wish he gave me the ten dollars because hospital stays cost a lot more than a good ho like myself. Dr. L, what is a ho without a pimp to do?

—A Classy Ho,

—Dear Classy Ho,

While Dr. Lulzington is a fan of pimping and has encouraged both men and women to get into the profession, he can also respect the decision of a classy ho such as yourself to work without a pimp. Good for you! This way, you get to keep all the money…except for when some cheap trick decides to stiff you, both literally and figuratively.

What you need to do is get the money up front. How do you not know that? The truth is, this guy probably won’t be back. But if he’s stupid, and does decide to return, act like nothing happened. Maybe you “didn’t count the money” or you “forgot who he was”, but be all sweet. Then, when you get him alone, you rob him and steal his car just like Reese Witherspoon did in the movie “Freeway” (link to scene – warning NSFW due to language).

Good luck! Doctor Lulzington loves whores. What street do you work?

*Follow Dr. Lulzington on Twitter*