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I Keep Getting Arrested For Drug Possession!

August 28, 2010

Dear Dr. Lulzington,

I am a very, VERY famous person. I can’t tell you who I am, but I can say that I am definitely NOT Paris Hilton. Get that idea out of your head immediately, OK? I need your help because I’m like always getting arrested for drug possession. It’s unfair. Lots of people smoke pot and do cocaine, but I’m like always getting singled out because the cops are jealous of my celebrity status. What can I do?

This is so not hot. I’m not Paris Hilton, I swear! Really!

Love,

Harris Pilton (see?)

-Dear Harris,

Like, Dr. Lulzington agrees. Dr. L himself moves every 48 hours because the po-pos will follow his every move otherwise. Lots of people are involved in pimping, and lots of people have huge drug manufacturing operations, but of course they have to harass yours truly because of his mega-celebrity status. You came to the right person.

The solution is simple. You’re famous and, like, SUPER rich! Get a personal assistant who’s willing to hold for you because they’re even more into drugs than you are. As the poem goes:

If you’re super, super rich,

Hire yourself a drugged-out bitch,

Turn them to a cocaine mule,

This way they can play the fool.

Oh, wait. Dr. L just wrote that now. But you get it now. Drugged out assistants are hot. Take advantage. Good luck and happy partying!

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From → Celebrities, Crime

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