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An Open Letter To Justin Bieber

February 14, 2011

Dear Justin,

You self-entitled little midget bitch.

I think I speak for most people over the age of 16 when I say that. I was more or less cool with your existence through all of this hype over the past year or two. The Twitter trends. The constant news blurbs. The fan meltdowns. Whatever. It was cool. My sub-generation’s ‘teen idol’ was Michael Jackson, and I remember the hysteria that went along with that. While MJ >>>> you by a mile, and I hope even you and your overinflated ego can admit to that, it was still OK that you’ve been around. The kids don’t really know about MJ other than the fact he was some weird guy who died. So I couldn’t hate on you.

That is, until the Grammy awards.

You got several nominations, which are several more than you really deserved. You basically got nods because that is what the PR machine does. They get award nods for people who put out crap but burn up the charts with that crap. So of course, you didn’t win. And you were a bad sport about it, too, being quite open about your disappointment and feeling of loss.

News flash: your songs were designed to be catchy, throwaway pop hits for ten year olds. You don’t even sing that well. You’re basically famous because Usher saw dollar signs in his eyes when you auditioned for him. It’s like the Johnny Bravo episode of The Brady Bunch…where they autotune your voice into oblivion, but it’s cool because you ‘fit the suit’. Right now, you have the look that all the ten and eleven year old girls love these days. And as you and these kids finally hit puberty, your appeal will be lost, and your fans are going to move on to real music and laugh about the time in 6th grade they got into a twitter war with Esperanza Whatsherface over your underdeveloped midget ass.

It’s already starting to happen. You have no class, and eventually that will count for something. Eminem can get away with being a dick because he’s a talented, creative dick. You are not.

You better grow some humility soon, or no one is going to feel sorry for you when you’re lying in a gutter next to Leif Garrett, wondering what the hell happened…when Leif vomits on you and passes out.

It doesn’t take that long, either. Seriously, kid, earmark your last hundred grand for college or something…if you can get in.

Oh, and please tell your fans to stop doing this (see below). Thank you.

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8 Comments
  1. Nikki! permalink

    You had me at “you self entitled little midget bitch”, Dr Lulz.

  2. John Cesano permalink

    Engraving messages of love to Justin Bieber, using a razor or knife, doesn’t make a person his #1 fan so much as it marks you for a long time as an enormous asshat fucktard.

    I am hoping Justin’s Beliebers and Gaga’s Little Monsters end up doing a battle to the death, ridding our nation of countless tone deaf brain dead mouth breathers.

  3. Crash permalink

    “And as you and these kids finally hit puberty, your appeal will be lost, and your fans are going to move on to real music and laugh about the time in 6th grade they got into a twitter war with Esperanza Whatsherface over your underdeveloped midget ass.”

    There must be a Pulitzer category for this.

  4. tinnerz permalink

    Bieber fans make me feel better about my days as a *NSYNC/BSB fantard. I never threatened someone with death, mutilated myself, or even got into pointless arguments about them. I just listened to their music obsessively. And learned their dance moves (still know the entire dance routine to “It’s Gonna Be Me”).

    Kids these days are fucking absurd.

  5. Jillian002 permalink

    Those people make me feel so much better about my tarding days over Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Dean Cain. Wait those dudes were attractive though.

  6. It’s not like he’s Constantine or Adam Lambert is it? He’s just some wanna be instead of the most famous American Idol EVER, BB!!

  7. His management copied Michael Jackson’s hype and fame to promote this crap! The thing is the world LOVES Michael Jackson and his concerts had 4.6 MILLION audience and got Guinness World Records, there were paramedics in his concert cuz people were fainting cuz it was overflowing. While Bieber’s concert was a FLOP! It didn’t even had 1 million total audience. Gaga and Taylor Swift’s concerts made $125 million while Bieber only made $53. BIEBER IS A FLOP and has NO fans!!! The trends are spammers’ pathetic attempt to sell his vomit, his followers are fake, and so is his fan base. NONE of his album sold over 1.5 million.

    Bieber is FAKE and that’s why the world hates that crap!

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