Holy effing crap.
I am transfixed.
As most of you who can read know, Dr. Lulzington is an American Idol fan. Or more of an anti-fan. Dr. Lulzington likes to spend time at such Idol sites as Vote For The Worst and Top Idol. One of Dr. Lulzington’s fave features of these sites is the plethora of creepy fan art that is often posted on these sites.
Nothing, however, prepared Dr. L for this:
This is effing BEAUTIFUL!!! Yes, it’s Clay Aiken…but with a KITTY FACE! What kind of mind comes up with this? What causes someone to go, “hey, you know what this world needs? Clay Aiken with a kitty face, under the full moon!” Abuse? Neglect? Chemical imbalance?
Dr. Lulzington is stumped. He wants to ask for your help, readers. Please leave a comment below and tell him how someone gets to a point where they create such a work – as well as what is wrong with Dr. L for being so transfixed by it.
Dr. L thanks you in advance.
Dear Sandra Bullock,
As a rule, Dr. Lulzington chooses to leave celebrities well enough alone. However, the unfolding events of the past week have made Dr. L want to reach out to you and to advise you to RUN, SANDRA, RUN!!!
At first, as much as he hates to admit it, Dr. L was sort of intrigued by the story of America’s Sweetheart and her bad boy hubby. Dr. L was happy when you won the Oscar. Dr. L has even liked some of Read more…
Dear Dr. Lulzington,
I am a ho. Like the kind that has sex with people for money. It’s all good except for when some muthafu(%@ don’t pay me my fee that was agreed upon for my ho services. Read more…
Dear Dr. Lulzington,
I know that you’re on twitter (@drlulzington), so I am guessing that you are as aware and as annoyed as I am that Justin Bieber is always trending on Twitter. Who the hell is this kid, anyway, and why are people so damn obsessed with him? Isn’t it enough that we had to deal with that Hannah Montana brat Read more…
Dear Dr. Lulzington,
You seem to know a lot about drugs, so maybe you can help me. My girlfriend of three years recently moved into the house. I think it’s been about six months. She has a 19-year-old son, “Ben”, who moved in as well. I didn’t know him very well before this, and I am regretting that.
The reason why is that he has turned his room into some personal drug and sex den. All he does all day is sit in his room and smoke meth with his friends and have orgies all day and night. My girlfriend is in denial about that and gives him all the money he wants. He doesn’t attend school, nor does he work. I’m pretty sure his friends are stealing from us, too.
I’m ready to kick his shiftless ass to the curb, along with his idiot mother. Is there anything I can do to save this situation from disaster?
—No More Meth
—Dear No More Meth,
Yes, you absolutely can.
Look. You have a great setup that fell right into your lap. Your home, through no effort of your own, has become a vortex of debauchery. Why on earth would you want to get rid of that? Sure, all of your teeth will eventually fall out, you’ll fry your brain, and you’ll age prematurely, but it will all be worth it. Quit stressing and get to mething!
Dear Dr. Lulzington,
We’re having a serious problem with our new toilet. Any time we flush it the toilet moans like it’s alive. At first we thought that the plumber had installed the thing wrong but after I figured out it was made in Mexico I figured it must contain trapped spirits or something. They have the evil spirits of the Aztecs, Mayans, Toltecs and Zapotecs.
It sounds just like a human moan, if that human had been dammed for all eternity to be pissed upon and flushed. On the inside of the lid the date shows that this hellish piece of porcelain was made on Dia de Los Muertos, the Day of the Dead. I believe there are embedded spirits in the bowl or tank. And it’s not just the moaning that makes me think this. It moans every time someone uses the toilet but moans the worst when some one goes after eating Taco Bell food. Then you hear the moaning and screaming of many different tortured souls. Sometimes even the paper will not go down.
I tried to get a Catholic priest in here to exorcise the demons out but he just laughed at me before handing me a vial of Holy Water to bless the toilet with. That didn’t do any good, the water just mingled with the toilet water and the thing kept moaning. In fact, the moaning got worse.
So we brought snake handling minister to take that spirit out. He laid hands on the tank lid and prayed all night. Nothing. He said it was one stubborn demon, we must have done something awful to be so cursed. He said he might be able to get all his prayer warriors out here and do a group exorcism but it was going to cost a couple of thousand bucks for transportation and expenses. I don’t have that kind of money, if I did I would have bought a better toilet in the first place.
What do I do next?
Still Holding It Or Peeing In The Bushes
Dear Still Holding It,
Seriously, WTF? Did Dr. Lulzington do too much nitrous this morning? Of course not. There’s no such thing as too much in Dr. L’s book!
You are in luck, though. It turns out that Dr. L happens to be in Mexico right now, on the run from the law on the run from the drug cartels taking in the wonderful sights, rich culture, and kind, hospitable people. He went to a local toilet manufacturing place, the biggest in Mexico. He managed to find a supervisor there who spoke English. The conversation went as so:
“Excuse me, sir, I was wondering if you ever had any complaints about your toilets being haunted?”
“Yes, haunted. Has anyone ever claimed that?”
“You mean by ghosts?”
“Yes, ghosts. Aztec ghosts. Someone I know in the States claims that there are aztec ghosts in her toilet.”
“Dude, is she on drugs or something?”
“I hope so.”
Then, he advised me of a hotel in the area that uses the same toilets, so I went there to spend the night. Now, Dr. L hasn’t gone to the bathroom in months (combination of drugs and little food), but a glass of the tap water changed all of that. Dr. L may have been high as a kite, but no spirits.
So, in conclusion, your toilet is fine. It’s just the drugs. It seems like you have some to share. How far are you from Mexicali? Dr. Lulzington would gladly pay bus fare.
Dear Dr, Lulzington,
I have a problem with women trying to touch me. I’m a hot fierce proud gay male supah-stah glittery alien and when I’m on stage old ladies try to feel up my junk. I was so into the song and high on life I didn’t realize at first that they were petting Mr Happy and tugging on my nutsack. How do I get them to knock it off, but keep spending outrageous amounts of moolah on all my crapola like CDs, concert tickets and t-shirts?
Lad Ga-Ga Wannabe
Dear Lad Ga-Ga,
Dr. Lulzington has two words for you:
Dr. Lulzington happens to be an expert at this sort of thing. He gets tons of letters from people obsessed with people just like you. Lemme guess: you became famous from a reality show? That’s what usually attracts the old ladies. Are you going to be able to stop them? No. Never. Not in a million years. Well, maybe five years, as they’ll all have died off from old age, obesity, or both. But then you’ll be left with nobody to spend money on you.
Your best bet is to stick it out and capitalize on yourself as much as possible in the meantime. Have you considered prostitution? I’m sure there are women out there who would gladly pay top dollar just to have you show it to them.
This is normally the point where Dr. Lulzington offers to pay for his readers’ services/naked pics/naked videos. However, if you are who Dr. L. thinks you are, then Dr. L is going to pass on it. Dr L. will pay you to NOT send your pics or videos.
Good luck. Let Dr. L know when your career dies so that he can attend the funeral.